Where I was you could hear the birds singing the heavenly songs each morning as you woke. The squirrels would jump from tree to tree, then run down and across the ground. There weren’t people honking. There weren’t cars trying to run you over as you cross the street. There was nature; there was quietness, serenity.
But now there are cars honking, people trying to run me over. There are sleepless nights of studying for tests, writing papers, and trying to make perfect grades, but all for what? Sometimes I feel like I’m not really in a field that is going anywhere. Most people don’t really care about the particularities of theology or biblical studies. Does it matter to most people how you define sin? Do most people care if God is like this or that? Why does it matter that I know who Tertullian was or Origin or the ecumenical councils. If I knew nothing about them, life would continue on without really any much change.
My pursuit of studying faith and religion has left me with great amounts of student debt. It has caused me to leave my family behind. I think the fact that I left my family bothers me most. They are near and dear to me and I wonder how much all of this matters, what does it play in the grand scheme of things? Is this time well spent, or would it be better to be home to live with them and enjoy their lives? Is knowledge worth the cost of relationship?
My fear is that after all of this time, money, and effort that what I want most in life is just an illusion, something that I cannot achieve. I want to earn a Ph.D. and write and teach, but I’m not sure that it will happen. I don’t want to be a pastor or preacher. The church is dying. I’ve never seen it to be super effective. People don’t really care all that much to be there anymore. Preaching from the pulpit doesn’t feel all that great and effective. I think more than anything that I want to be a writer, but I don’t believe that I have the skills to be good at it.
Only time will tell all of these things, and tomorrow I may feel differently about the entire thing. I’m sure Monday will be different. Only a month ago I met James Cone and in two days I’m meeting N.T Wright. I suppose life can’t be so bad at the moment, but I still miss the birds, the squirrels, the woods, and my family. I’ll keep you posted.
Alexandrian Theologian 